I wish I could better understand what I'm here for, right now. I mean, there are a few obvious things, but ...
... why do I have to wait?
Jesus, I'm so jealous of stay-at-home housewives and moms. I'd be so much happier if You would let me come home.
Whenever I come to You, Jesus, You tell me a lot about waiting, and gratitude, and patience.
I know I'm waiting because of a choice I made to get married before my husband was out of college. I know I'm waiting because of a choice I made to have things that cost more money than just living in a studio apartment with no electricity.
I know that if I'd stayed unmarried, I would be living on my own right now and I could get a junky apartment with a friend that only require me to work part-time.
But I wanted to be married to this man You've blessed me with ... and I wanted to give him the most comfortable home I could afford. So now, I'm waiting.
I'm waiting for the day when he will pay the bills so I can just be ME. Not a lazy woman ... but a happy woman, fulfilling her purpose.
But then, I question all of that - I know I took the steps that made the choice, ultimately ... but I feel as thought I consulted You, and You helped guide me to this choice ...
Then I have to say, that perhaps I am waiting because You knew about these kids I work with, and You knew that no one else would fit the bill for them at this time but me. So I have to do this for them. I'm here because of something You have in mind.
Maybe it's a combination of both. Because I did make the choice, and You used that choice to place me here, where I can witness to these kids, and try hard to be an example of Your love working in someone's life.
Jesus, please speak to me more clearly - and if You are speaking to me clearly already, please help me hear You better. Please unclog my ears, strip all the gunk off my heart. Shake out my soul. Let me see, hear and feel you so I can have constant comfort in You.
I act like I don't know why I'm here, but I so, totally do. It doesn't make it much easier, though.
